I am right in the middle of the "healthy" range of weight for m height. I have been struggling with an eating disorder for almost 20 years, it comes and goes. I have it under control, mainly, but I have to learn how to eat in a way that nourishes my body and gives me energy for my routines. I have to learn a way to eat that I can afford on poverty wages. Eating "clean" and getting all your nutrition right can also make you a more sane person. I'm hoping for that too.

In an ideal week, where I exercise like I plan to, this is my yoga routine:

Monday- Deep Vinyasa, 45-60m

Tuesday- Rest

Wednesday- Moderate-strong vinyasa OR power yoga OR impact yoga, 20-40m

Thursday- HIIT yoga, 10-20m

Friday- Light vinyasa, 30m

Saturday- Strong interval yoga, 10-30m

Sunday- Rest

In there I try to put in two days of strength training and two days of cardio.
I try to walk a little each day too, and a little more on days I don't work out.

To maintain my weight, I should have a net calorie intake of 1600/day.
This means if I burn 400, I should eat about 2000 calories that day.

I have been sticking my net at around 1300. I lost almost 25 pounds to get here. I did all the math and now that I am at a healthy weight, part of me feels that I should stop now and just concentrate on maintaining and getting healthy. Well I tried that for a week, and I ate crap, had horrible mood swings, cried about it, looked in the mirror and saw me ballooning up. Yesterday I ate half a pizza. And I didn't exercise at all. Not even a walk. So I can't deal with that right now.

So back to 1300 it is. For a while.

A close friend of my mom's got me a gym membership here. The trainers think I should be eating a lot of protein, and it's hard for me to get that much protein in.

But now I have decided to just, fuck them.
Fuck them all, everyone who thinks I need to eat a certain way with grams and percentages, I can't get too obsessed with this working out stuff it's messing with my head.

Do what feels right.
Eat what feels right.
Be happy in life.

Today? I am fasting for a while. The things I shoved down my throat for the past few days has my stomach bloated and angry. It needs time to process. Fruits and veggies later. Maybe some beans.

But for now, coffee. I have a long way to go.
But I have to go at my own pace, you know?
I have a battle with my mind to deal with, not just my body..
NO, I don't want to think of it as a battle.
We are learning, together.

The thought processes for the eating disordered mind are still very strong.
I feel like it's this, fine, fine balance I have to maintain to be healthy. And getting too obsessed just makes me want to scream, quit, give up.