reached an all-time low!
so far lost almost 30 pounds from my high weight
still a very healthy range, eating a healthy amount of cals.
yey!

:/

First b/p of the month.
I was trying for none, but if I can just make it this one, I think it will be ok.
It will still be an improvement from last month (2)...

This makes me kinda hate myself.
But it is very very hard to say no to a free pizza....

That's clean eating 5/7 days this week,
1 b/p this month.

Ok, Lolli, this is a win in disguise.
Stay positive.

Back on the horse.

Yesterday I ate doughnuts. That's pretty much it. went way over my calories, and now for the next three days I have to make up for it, starting today. Clean eating is my goal, it's very important to me now. When I do well, I feel powerful and safe and energetic.. when I fail I feel weak and sick. So today is a new day.

Breakfast was a 1/2 cup oatmeal with 1 T peanut butter and a banana cut up... spiced it up with cinnamon and nutmeg..

I am going to the gym to do a moderate/heavy intensity muscle workout so before I go I'm going to have a can of tuna. After that I don't know. I am trying to not freak out. I can have a net of about 1000 cals for the next three days.

It's fucking hot in here. damn.

To Do list

Modified b/c there are more to add

• TJ Maxx
• Eyebrow wax
• CVS- Makeup wipes, Pepcid for the cat
• Yoga? Lunch?
• Meeting
• Jo-Ann fabrics w/ Meesy
• Yoga? Dinner?

Ok gotta finish my coffee in 15 mins to be on time for all this stuff.

Going for 1285 today, so far 435.

End of the day, June 6 2014

Today is over and I ate well. Fruits and nut butter, greens, guava paste and mozzarella crackers.. pinto and kidney beans, plantain, and tuna stew with mixed veggies. I had 1393 calories.

I did a half hour of light yoga, that brings my net intake to 1315.
Not terrible.
I can deal with that.

Plan for the rest of the night is more more water.
'Tomorrow is

• breakfast (skipped it today).. maybe yogurt and berries?
• strong interval yoga for 10-30 mins
• more greens before they go bad
• make something with the quinoa
• get eyebrows done
• go to TJ Maxx for a wok and stuff for Lui.
• Attend NA meeting at 5, meet sponsor there.

It'd be great to have 1285 or less to even out for today. No time for cardio, but strong interval yoga will kick my ass in a small way, so that's good.

Just set my hair in hot rollers, and two minutes after they are done I am sweating my ass off and they are a no-go. Try doing your hair in NM in 90+ degree heat.. waste of time. pssh.

Just got back from the store. we went to the international market and to Whole Foods, spent spent about 75 bucks, but got some exciting stuff.

dark leafy greens, kimchi and grapefruit and steamed buns...
quinoa (gonna have to find some recipes on that) blueberries, sliced almonds, sundried tomato salad dressing(10 cals/2 Tbsp!)..
bananas, pot stickers, green and yellow platanos...
maria crackers and guava paste and fresh mozzarella for snacks..
and yes, yogurt. plenty yogurt.

yogurt's a good protein, and we have tilapia and tuna and fresh ground peanut butter and beans, so I should be ok.

I feel 'safer' getting my protein from yogurt, beans, nuts and fish, anyways.
Meat seems like too much right now.
Even cheese is pushing it. The guava paste treats will be for special occasions.

I am starting to feel less and less panic-y as we have stocked on clean foods.
I don't feel safe enough to eat yet, but I'm getting a lot of water. As soon as the pizza has passed, I will make some kind of salad, maybe with the quinoa and almonds.

I'm TRYING to get myself in the yoga mood... but if I need another day to recover it will be ok. Our cat had a health scare so we were up all Wednesday night at the emergency vet, it threw off all my sleep. Slept all day yesterday, and all night last night. Exhausted and sick. I need recovery. My body hates me. I have to treat it better.

It's all about prioritizing, right?
What's important to me now.

The yoga is important. The yoga schedule is important.
Cardio is important. I like to just plant my ass on an elliptical and watch tv on my phone for an hour. So if I like it, I do it, right?

The muscles matter too, but not enough to be obsessed with them, eat a million grams of protien, do them every other day... I will just.. I don't know. Figure it out as I go along. I am freaking out about this shit.

Calm down. Calm down. Calm down.

1300 is safe.
Eat 1300.
Do what you can, ok? Eat for living. Exercise for living, to feel safe n your body, to feel good and clean and healthy.

We are going to the market now, I'm gonna get lots of fruits and veggies, beans, tuna. Yogurt... I don't know maybe just fruits and veggies.

I am having a panic-y, off kind of day.
That pizza from yesterday is making me brain sick.

I will buy a new nose ring. This will make me feel better.
I'm gonna shut up now.

I am right in the middle of the "healthy" range of weight for m height. I have been struggling with an eating disorder for almost 20 years, it comes and goes. I have it under control, mainly, but I have to learn how to eat in a way that nourishes my body and gives me energy for my routines. I have to learn a way to eat that I can afford on poverty wages. Eating "clean" and getting all your nutrition right can also make you a more sane person. I'm hoping for that too.

In an ideal week, where I exercise like I plan to, this is my yoga routine:

Monday- Deep Vinyasa, 45-60m

Tuesday- Rest

Wednesday- Moderate-strong vinyasa OR power yoga OR impact yoga, 20-40m

Thursday- HIIT yoga, 10-20m

Friday- Light vinyasa, 30m

Saturday- Strong interval yoga, 10-30m

Sunday- Rest

In there I try to put in two days of strength training and two days of cardio.
I try to walk a little each day too, and a little more on days I don't work out.

To maintain my weight, I should have a net calorie intake of 1600/day.
This means if I burn 400, I should eat about 2000 calories that day.

I have been sticking my net at around 1300. I lost almost 25 pounds to get here. I did all the math and now that I am at a healthy weight, part of me feels that I should stop now and just concentrate on maintaining and getting healthy. Well I tried that for a week, and I ate crap, had horrible mood swings, cried about it, looked in the mirror and saw me ballooning up. Yesterday I ate half a pizza. And I didn't exercise at all. Not even a walk. So I can't deal with that right now.

So back to 1300 it is. For a while.

A close friend of my mom's got me a gym membership here. The trainers think I should be eating a lot of protein, and it's hard for me to get that much protein in.

But now I have decided to just, fuck them.
Fuck them all, everyone who thinks I need to eat a certain way with grams and percentages, I can't get too obsessed with this working out stuff it's messing with my head.

Do what feels right.
Eat what feels right.
Be happy in life.

Today? I am fasting for a while. The things I shoved down my throat for the past few days has my stomach bloated and angry. It needs time to process. Fruits and veggies later. Maybe some beans.

But for now, coffee. I have a long way to go.
But I have to go at my own pace, you know?
I have a battle with my mind to deal with, not just my body..
NO, I don't want to think of it as a battle.
We are learning, together.

The thought processes for the eating disordered mind are still very strong.
I feel like it's this, fine, fine balance I have to maintain to be healthy. And getting too obsessed just makes me want to scream, quit, give up.